to a long lost somebody

Walking in your shoes

If I tried walking in your shoes I wouldn’t make it far, because I don’t understand what those shoes are made of. By letting you walk in my shoes aka reading my blog I tried to make you understand what my lips weren’t able to say. Some words might have been written very harsh, that’s true and I honestly never thought about the possibility of you really reading my blog. I’m unsure if you ever read most of my posts but now I reflect on that and wonder how I’d feel if I read it while walking in your shoes. Would I feel resentful, hurt or sad? I’d feel somehow frightened I guess… frightened of my own actions and how they hurt someone I thought I would never want to hurt, frightened of how future interaction will go – will I hurt somebody’s feelings again and will this manifest itself on this blog like a long echo that still can be heard long after it was yelled out?

#30 inspired post

I really want to write this post talking about my inspiration because it means the world to me.

Book keeping is my daily job & it pays my bills, I really like my job and my team is effin great!! Love em so much, makes every day a fun day. But there is another “job” I have - writing on my blog. Althought I shouldn’t call it my job because it’s nothing I “have” to do. Still… in fact I really HAVE to do it, because it’s my way of expression. It’s my way of keeping my balance, it’s my way of showing my inner world. I am not going to lie but neither I am going to put glitter on shit.

My inspiration was on a damn super high in 2013 – breathing in inspiration and breathing out amazing posts – however my inspiration went down under by end of 2013 and throughout 2014 nothing changed. I tried to start all over again but things got so difficult and it literally pissed me off to censor my shit, to give this damn blog a different?! name – holy shit please hit me with a chair the next time - and pretend that the source of this amazing blog came out of my ass nd was entertained by nothing that could compare to real passion. Back then in 2013 when I sat down and started to type, the letters were just flowing magically, sentence after sentence, there it was – big inspired posts from the heart. I loved to reread everyone of them from time to time and I still do now. It was simply my pure self that I laid down in this blog, emotional stripping.

However, I realized something in the past weeks as there was a change in my emotional life – it’s not just that I can feel inspiration running through my veins again, it shocked me even more (in a positive way) what triggers my inspiration!

Yeh of course it’s passion… but passion can be found in other souls… right? Well, guess that doesn’t count for me. 

Beautiful how the same passion from back then which inspired me to write is the same one to inspire me again to start all over again! Isn’t it ironic?

#17 ladies only - the pussy curse

it's real, it's everywhere, it is or was in you and me - like a frikkin apple allergy that gets your throat swollen as soon as you eat from the forbidden apple. you know it and you'll do it over and over again until you suffocate from that motherfucker.

i know many women who are or were in this fucked up situation - like poison it infiltrates their mind and pussy takes the lead without any common sense. selfworth, selfrespect, dignity? what's that?! can you eat that shit? oh girl... ask your bff to slap you real hard or eat that apple nd suffocate. i know how it is, no matter who tells you that you are out of your mind, that you should stop bla bla bla you simply won't because you didn't crash hard enough by now or didn't find someone better.

sounds hard huh? but there are just two possibilities: crash so hard that your pussy gets knocked out nd your common sense takes back the lead or mr right aka mr better smashes you sideways with his amazing self so all you can and want to see is him. otherwise you are doomed to be a slave of your own lusty foolish pussy and she'll whisper with sweet promises that mr wrong will change. you look at him like he's mr adonis with a white horse but in reality you are looking at a damn frog with a crappy gray pony - grab that sucker nd smash it against the wall - nooooo, better, drop him from a cliff and sing "bye bye bye oh you damn fucktard aha aha i like iiiiiit aha aha fuck yoouuuhhuuu" *nsync style*

i had a long nd hard time to realize that this apple doesn't do me any good nd all it wants is to get devoured nd suffocate me - i crashed so hard that you could scratch me off the floor but that's how i learned to let go nd dictated my pussy where it belongs - down there nd not in my head. so in conclusion: you'll stay pussy cursed until you release yourself or get released - until then, have fun, crash hard - but the day will come soon enough when you wake up and realize. so don't worry too much and don't bash yourself too much because everyone else is fingerpointing.

trust me, as soon as you master this step - wether you made it on your own or mr best released your poor pussy - and mr fucktard comes back - and oh he will because it's his game that he's running with you - satisfaction will be sooooo big that you want to jerk off 10 times. same here, mr big returned with a txt last night nd i whipped it off my shoulder like a boss... took me over half a year to be as tough as i am now - told him to stop txting me cuz it's over.

#16 inspired post

pic by http://weheartit.com/entry/3102473

irony strikes again - above you see carrie and mr big - oh irony you are so sweet when you creep up from behind and kick my romantic ass in a nice motion.

thank you irony

thank you mr big - thank you for nothing - thank you for everything

every now and then i reread my older posts, written with flourishing naivete, written with delusional passion, written with surreal longing. mr big, there i was. mr big, there i left. veiled wishes, unspoken insecurities - trying with highest peak of ocean deep passion to reach out. 

oh sweet irony how you lead me on

oh sweet irony how you brought me back down

oh sweet irony how you blessed me with another point of view 

i had the right words and thoughts all the time - dedicated to the wrong man

oh sweet irony

written passion didn't match the star i adored - abusive wishful thinking - leading me onto another milkyway, to another star, a star which was always there but out of my shortsighted eyesight.

let me quote my older posts:

#1 inspired post

" ladies, if you got a man's attention and turned it into respect, appreciation & a true friendship because of your ability to actually speak out with your heart & intellect - be confident about it cuz' he won't let you down for any cheap "sale" sign that passes his way and might turn his head for a second. - but at the end of the day they turned his head for a second - you turned AND captured his head, mind, respect & happiness for a life time. Think about it "

this was my very first inspired post, if i read it carefully and with my eyes & heart wide open, i realize that it didn't match mr big at all.

#9 inspired post

 "if we let people come close to us and open up for them then we give some kind of trust on loan conditions subconsciously. we don't expect much in return, we just wish for giving back trust and show us that our emotional investment wasn't a fail. i'm quite unsure if men are more capable to handle such sharing stuff - but us women are def not capable of doing so.
real men don't share because they are able to see the difference of a "quick snack" & something very valuable and therefor mark their terrain. they won't be satisfied by snacks, be sure they don't want to share you or even lose you to another man either. Be happy and prove him that he doesn't want to lose you because of other sale ads.nevertheless in my opinion exclusiveness shouldn't be taken for granted - and i highly value it, without it there is no way of having me on the tip of your little finger."

i gave away my trust on loan conditions and it wasn't worth it in the first place 

#10 inspired post

"that rollercoaster feeling that makes me feel so alive, more than ever. which made me realize that there is so much more to live for, one moment it goes up and I feel life's easy breeze on my skin, in the next moment it goes doooown and I scream and cry, but after the fall there is a curve in this special amazing rollercoaster which makes me jiggle and laugh and it makes me forget about that hyper fall. if you look into eachothers eyes after a long time and there still remains that instant spark, well then you know what it's about."

naivete cocktail at it's best - lust is the only puppetmaster in this game. stuck in a neverending maze without an exit sign. never again, cuz a man who really wants me will never put me in such a fucked up maze.

i gave away my trust and became vulnerable to my man - the difference is i didn't sign a loan conditions contract because i had security in my wallet, security he gave to me on his own, without asking. as i stated in one of my posts, a king will win with actions not words . oh sweet irony, you gave me the gift of inspiration, seemingly i wasted it on mr wrong but at the same time it opened a door for me.

every girl will meet her mr big sooner or later - he'll play the last nerve out of her, he'll make her curse destiny - but he'll give her the oppertunity of her life: by showing her all the wrongs, she'll notice all the rights in the man who is truly worth it. she'll never settle for less again, she'll never abuse her heart like that again - she'll be truly ready to meet her mr final destination because she'll never let the right man walk out of her life again. 

oh sweet irony

oh sweet irony.....

#5 inspired post

when i first met mr. big i never had a clue what was about to come in my life - the past months were anything but normal, i guess it's something totally irrational what made me do all of those things. i experience so many different things, a lot i experienced for the first time. but it's not all about experiencing things for the first time, it's about how he makes me see them from a different point of view - like there isn't any better way for it, like this is just how it should be. and that feeling is beautiful. this is def not where i planned to go in first place, but it reveals to be just the perfect, right place where i belong to be in the end.

cloud 9, cloud 7, pinky love glasses, falling in love, loves stoned - however one might call it, i don't care. fact is mr. big knocked me off my mental feet, like there is a switch for inspiration and imagination that went from "off" to "ON & hyper hyper on". my mind was never dull though, but it felt like slowly drying out from thirst - thirsty for huge mental stimulation. guess i couldn't define it myself back then, but something was missing in my life. he inspired me in a different way, enabled me to write again - not just about how awesomely handsome he is etc nah, much more!! almost every text is inspired by him and that makes me happy. that makes my mind feel alive and limitless - i feel a huge need to write my thoughts down and if i can't then that upsets me, more and more each day. so as he gives me inspiration, he gives me peace of mind and happiness at the same time.

i believe that one can find inspiration in many things, but if you can find inspiration which is given from the heart of someone so special - well that amazes me.

thank you

#4 inspired post

▪ don’t we all experience impatience more or less from time to time? as a kid I used to “freak out” 8 weeks before christmas – today it doesn’t seem to be that much different. example? when I order something and wait for the package to arrive, i’ll be checkin the delivery status 5-10x a day! …. yeh weird I know. makes me laugh my ass off while writing that down and realizing how damn impatient i really am. another example, when I missed the postman and had to wait another day to finally get my order I almost freaked out… ok mostly I won’t show on the outside for everyone to see but my mind was freakin out – super pissed. see how hilarious that is? still that’s how I am – impatient and stubbornly after things i long for. you could also call it being persistent, like i was since back in the days. when I started doin horseback riding (i was 5yrs old) and it was about christmas time – you could bet that my biggest wish I wrote down on my wishlist on top was to have my own horse. sweet huh? is it still sweet when I did that every damn year until i was 13? (yeh I believed in santa clause until I was 13) i wasn’t only wishing for it, I even calculated costs etc and attached it to my wishlist. that’s totally weird isn’t it? same as with my father, after he left us when I was 13 and completely changed into something I don’t have words for – from that day… til now… makes 10 years… i’m still waiting for him to bring a little bit of goodwill and warmth back into his heart. i never gave up believing in his honest and good heart, even it cost me half of my own heart till now – it makes me suffer from inside, still I’m waiting. call it stupid, weird or naïve – i don’t care because I can see that there is a tiny bit left, even if there’s something like a huge shadow over that lil light.

What I try to say is that i am really… and i mean really really impatient but at the same time I can bring up a huge amount of persistence – isn’t that totally conflicting?!?! how can you be so impatient but at the same time you are able to bring up YEARS of persistence? i honestly don’t know the answer 100% it’s just a slight guess i have in my head – honestly i never really thought about the why and how until now. my girl bff asked me once how I could be so willing to wait, invest all of my nerves, time and let’s call it strength into something where the outcome isn’t guaranteed at all - why even believe in goodness till the very end? well you might say i do it because it’s my own father or because i was a kid back then or maybe you think i’m just plain stupid.

I put myself, or i should say fate (fuck coincidence i don’t believe in that crap) put me into a certain situation with a certain person – let’s call him mr. big (oh i like that pseudonym – i’m cheesy i know). this “situation”, “thing” or whatever it is, claims every single tiny bit of persistence, patience (which i don’t have) and faith from me, to the point where i find myself debating with my own thoughts & fears. i ain’t talking about days or weeks – nope. i could easily move on right? putting mr. big on the left side together with my fears, hesitations, rejections and feelings and just simply walk on swinging my damn nice ass from side to side and look out for something easier! but i don’t – and i won’t. and that has nothing to do with the thrill of hunting – i’m not a hunter and i don’t see any sense of hunting after a person’s affection. no it’s my intuition which comes from the heart that tells me to stay. i like to differ between intuition from the heart and my analytical mind. my analytical and cautious mind tells me to run – “if he doesn’t take it a step further after all this time and get’s official with you, then you shouldn’t waste time. he’ll fall for a better, sexier and whatever kind of girl, not for you stupido. how could you ever thought about being good enough for him?!” – yeh harsh thoughts right? funny how my intuition shouts back “stupid mind, shut the fuck up, sit back and let me take over – i can sense things you’d never be able to see or understand. i got caught for a reason”. yes, and this specific reason causes me to stay, wait and yes learn – i learned that eventhough it’s nice to get what you want asap that there are certain things that can’t be achieved within short time because some things in life will only reveal their beautiful worth to those who are willing to wait and willing to stick through highs and lows! i don't like to call it a test, but somehow it is a test - why should you settle for anything thats too impatient, too unwilling, to stubborn, too egocentric and too unstable - or even becomes ugly bitchy when things go "wrong"?  you can't figure that out within weeks or even days!

rom wasn’t built in a day either, right?

did the romans know if their wonderful rom would be destroyed anytime soon, just after finishing it? no.

did the romans know how long rom would exist in the future? no.

nevertheless, they built their city with a lot of care, patience and persistence – instead of rushing over every brick – quality takes time and so does love. so after analyzing that it’s crystal clear why i stick around my mr. big – because i love to do so and because i know that whatever might come will be worth all of it. never brought up so much patience, faith and persistence for anybody who isn’t a part of my family!!!!! like never! different kind of coming closer to eachother but you know me… i like “different”. don’t underestimate a slow process, if you take a closer look you’ll see that it’s glued… like super glued – won’t make bricks fall off easily. i don’t think he notices it himself, but his eyes, mimic and gesture tell me a long story - i've never seen someone like him before, he fascinates me like no one else. weird how he claims himself as the most impatient person ever – when in fact we both are equally impatient and still we bring up the same amount of persistence. oh man – i love “weird” and we are def doing weird things. but most important of all – and that’s the difference between bringing up energy for something unworthy and worthy as he is - it brings happiness. that’s all that matters.

so eventhough my mind shakes me a bit from time to time, fearing the unknown destination - my intuition sticks around and tells me to just go with the flow and see what happens :) however... i learned a lot, so i'll never regret that - happy & lucky girl because "this" indeed reveals more each time, giving me things back you can't buy ▪ 

- Sarah Jessica