#4 inspired post

▪ don’t we all experience impatience more or less from time to time? as a kid I used to “freak out” 8 weeks before christmas – today it doesn’t seem to be that much different. example? when I order something and wait for the package to arrive, i’ll be checkin the delivery status 5-10x a day! …. yeh weird I know. makes me laugh my ass off while writing that down and realizing how damn impatient i really am. another example, when I missed the postman and had to wait another day to finally get my order I almost freaked out… ok mostly I won’t show on the outside for everyone to see but my mind was freakin out – super pissed. see how hilarious that is? still that’s how I am – impatient and stubbornly after things i long for. you could also call it being persistent, like i was since back in the days. when I started doin horseback riding (i was 5yrs old) and it was about christmas time – you could bet that my biggest wish I wrote down on my wishlist on top was to have my own horse. sweet huh? is it still sweet when I did that every damn year until i was 13? (yeh I believed in santa clause until I was 13) i wasn’t only wishing for it, I even calculated costs etc and attached it to my wishlist. that’s totally weird isn’t it? same as with my father, after he left us when I was 13 and completely changed into something I don’t have words for – from that day… til now… makes 10 years… i’m still waiting for him to bring a little bit of goodwill and warmth back into his heart. i never gave up believing in his honest and good heart, even it cost me half of my own heart till now – it makes me suffer from inside, still I’m waiting. call it stupid, weird or naïve – i don’t care because I can see that there is a tiny bit left, even if there’s something like a huge shadow over that lil light.

What I try to say is that i am really… and i mean really really impatient but at the same time I can bring up a huge amount of persistence – isn’t that totally conflicting?!?! how can you be so impatient but at the same time you are able to bring up YEARS of persistence? i honestly don’t know the answer 100% it’s just a slight guess i have in my head – honestly i never really thought about the why and how until now. my girl bff asked me once how I could be so willing to wait, invest all of my nerves, time and let’s call it strength into something where the outcome isn’t guaranteed at all - why even believe in goodness till the very end? well you might say i do it because it’s my own father or because i was a kid back then or maybe you think i’m just plain stupid.

I put myself, or i should say fate (fuck coincidence i don’t believe in that crap) put me into a certain situation with a certain person – let’s call him mr. big (oh i like that pseudonym – i’m cheesy i know). this “situation”, “thing” or whatever it is, claims every single tiny bit of persistence, patience (which i don’t have) and faith from me, to the point where i find myself debating with my own thoughts & fears. i ain’t talking about days or weeks – nope. i could easily move on right? putting mr. big on the left side together with my fears, hesitations, rejections and feelings and just simply walk on swinging my damn nice ass from side to side and look out for something easier! but i don’t – and i won’t. and that has nothing to do with the thrill of hunting – i’m not a hunter and i don’t see any sense of hunting after a person’s affection. no it’s my intuition which comes from the heart that tells me to stay. i like to differ between intuition from the heart and my analytical mind. my analytical and cautious mind tells me to run – “if he doesn’t take it a step further after all this time and get’s official with you, then you shouldn’t waste time. he’ll fall for a better, sexier and whatever kind of girl, not for you stupido. how could you ever thought about being good enough for him?!” – yeh harsh thoughts right? funny how my intuition shouts back “stupid mind, shut the fuck up, sit back and let me take over – i can sense things you’d never be able to see or understand. i got caught for a reason”. yes, and this specific reason causes me to stay, wait and yes learn – i learned that eventhough it’s nice to get what you want asap that there are certain things that can’t be achieved within short time because some things in life will only reveal their beautiful worth to those who are willing to wait and willing to stick through highs and lows! i don't like to call it a test, but somehow it is a test - why should you settle for anything thats too impatient, too unwilling, to stubborn, too egocentric and too unstable - or even becomes ugly bitchy when things go "wrong"?  you can't figure that out within weeks or even days!

rom wasn’t built in a day either, right?

did the romans know if their wonderful rom would be destroyed anytime soon, just after finishing it? no.

did the romans know how long rom would exist in the future? no.

nevertheless, they built their city with a lot of care, patience and persistence – instead of rushing over every brick – quality takes time and so does love. so after analyzing that it’s crystal clear why i stick around my mr. big – because i love to do so and because i know that whatever might come will be worth all of it. never brought up so much patience, faith and persistence for anybody who isn’t a part of my family!!!!! like never! different kind of coming closer to eachother but you know me… i like “different”. don’t underestimate a slow process, if you take a closer look you’ll see that it’s glued… like super glued – won’t make bricks fall off easily. i don’t think he notices it himself, but his eyes, mimic and gesture tell me a long story - i've never seen someone like him before, he fascinates me like no one else. weird how he claims himself as the most impatient person ever – when in fact we both are equally impatient and still we bring up the same amount of persistence. oh man – i love “weird” and we are def doing weird things. but most important of all – and that’s the difference between bringing up energy for something unworthy and worthy as he is - it brings happiness. that’s all that matters.

so eventhough my mind shakes me a bit from time to time, fearing the unknown destination - my intuition sticks around and tells me to just go with the flow and see what happens :) however... i learned a lot, so i'll never regret that - happy & lucky girl because "this" indeed reveals more each time, giving me things back you can't buy ▪ 

- Sarah Jessica