#31 inspired post

Getting to know someone new in your life is like unboxing a new pair of converse.

They excite you and the moment you slide in with one foot feels like a potencial new beginning. The beginning of new adventures, new stories that only wait to unfold themselves. You might start walking around and explore the new sensation - dating someone is just like that. Dating is kind of a "relationship try on" including the option of "return within 14 days" if it doesn't fit your needs. The one you date is like your new pair of  converse, you try them on and then you start walking. After a while you'll either  take them off because they gave you nothing but blistered, bloody heels or they feel like an old beloved friend who you've known for years as it seems.

Walking in your new converse won't give you exactly the same feeling as you have had with your good old ones - but after a while you clearly feel if they have the potencial to go from "try on" to "my new favorite". Dating should be more than just getting to know eachother on a superficial level or eat & wine the shit out of eachother. let's try on eachother for a while, let's walk through deep woods and thrilling heights. Value your feet the same way you value your mind & heart. There is no shame in looking at it as a true & fair "relationship try on including the option of return". If expectations & needs are met then why not put on the second shoe and begin walking on new paths together? The best feeling is when you like them so much that you simply can't feel uncertain about wearing them, you just do it because you know that they will carry you just like the good old ones - through thick and thin. They will get softer and softer after time, they will get a little dirty and worn - that is what I seek: something real to experience, something real to build on. Why not see dating as a trial menu? In the end we all wish for someone who feels like home to us.

my hair journey: preview - I see trees and greens - enchanted forest by Manic Panic

So it’s been a very long time since I dyed my hair the last time – I went from pitch black to dark red, then to bright poppy red and then I got bored and dyed it to a honey caramel tone. December 2013 I dyed it back to black and cut off 10 cm, since then I didn’t do anything with my hair. The black dye faded over weeks/months and it turned out quite nice, overall it was a dark brown with lighter ends. Got myself an unintentional ombre look – win! Since I didn’t put any dye on my hair since Dec 2013, I have about 17 cm of natural dark brown regrowth – my hair is now about 52 cm long whoop whoop!!

read about how I started going black to red: black to dark red
read about how I corrected patchy spots: correcting patchy spots
read about how I brightened the red: going bright red
read about how I stripped the color to go honey caramel: red to light brown
read about how I went from red to honey caramel step 2: red to light brown step 2

btw here you see how I went from red to honey

The hair journey goes on!

I was going back and forth if I should go for a lavender lilac or if I should dive into totally unknown territory and try a blueish green tone! Yes, green. After hours of research and skipping through thousands of pics I decided to go with green as my next hair color. Considering my current hair condition and color, I believe that it’s possible to pull off a nice vibrant green. It’s not that green little kids color vomit with.. it’s more like a pine green with a blueish undertone. I think it’s absolutely gorgeous!

btw these are not my pics!

After seeing Manic Panic’s “Enchanted Forest” on some nice gals on google I knew I had to order it. You can use this vegan hair dye on virgin hair but it will fade quicker than you can say “quidditch” – unprocessed hair has a smoother surface and that’s why the dye won’t stick as good as on already processed hair. That’s another reason why I also ordered Directions bleaching kit 30 vol. – with a 30 vol developer it lifts your hair color by 3 levels (+-) – so I’ll get a brighter result + it will last longer. I wouldn’t recommend using a 40 vol developer since this is already pretty harsh – as all chemicals I know – but 30 vol. is just the right thing to use if you don’t want to fry your hair.

I learned a lot from my last experience with bleach and since my hair has natural red undertones I added Directions “White” toner to my order. My hair won’t turn bright blonde after bleaching it, it will have a brassy tone and to correct that you need a toner that will help you pull out the brassiness as much as possible. The toner doesn’t damage your hair at all. It can happen that it will leave a slight purple touch to your hair if you leave it on for too long but that will fade away quickly.

When I remember my vibrant red, washing my hair head over the bathtub with cold water and stained towels, pillows and sheets come to my mind again. This won’t be any different now because I’m using semi-permanent hair dye again. And honestly I would never use anything else. Of course the hair gets somehow damaged while bleaching but still it’s better to only damage it once than damaging it twice in a row. Let me list some pros & cons of using vegan hair dye by Manic Panic

Pros

•  Not tested on animals
• No harsh chemicals that damage your hair
• You can mix colors to get your very own special tone
• You can easily pour some of the left over dye into your conditioner, that way you touch up the color with each wash
• The longer you leave on the dye the more vibrant it will turn out (depends on how light your hair was before)
•  It moisturizes your hair
• Looks frikkin awesome and comes in all kinds of colors
• Not that expensive

Cons

• If you don’t know how to properly take care of your new hair color it will fade very fast
• Stains on the skin and hands are something you should get used to -> use Vaseline and gloves while putting on dye to avoid that
• Stains on the sheets, towels etc
• To maintain a vibrant color you have to touch up quite often (I touched up my red every 3 to 4 weeks, well red is one color to fade away the quickest anyway)

Well, I’m very excited and I can’t wait for my order to arrive :) stay tuned

#dyehard

to a long lost somebody

Walking in your shoes

If I tried walking in your shoes I wouldn’t make it far, because I don’t understand what those shoes are made of. By letting you walk in my shoes aka reading my blog I tried to make you understand what my lips weren’t able to say. Some words might have been written very harsh, that’s true and I honestly never thought about the possibility of you really reading my blog. I’m unsure if you ever read most of my posts but now I reflect on that and wonder how I’d feel if I read it while walking in your shoes. Would I feel resentful, hurt or sad? I’d feel somehow frightened I guess… frightened of my own actions and how they hurt someone I thought I would never want to hurt, frightened of how future interaction will go – will I hurt somebody’s feelings again and will this manifest itself on this blog like a long echo that still can be heard long after it was yelled out?

#30 inspired post

I really want to write this post talking about my inspiration because it means the world to me.

Book keeping is my daily job & it pays my bills, I really like my job and my team is effin great!! Love em so much, makes every day a fun day. But there is another “job” I have - writing on my blog. Althought I shouldn’t call it my job because it’s nothing I “have” to do. Still… in fact I really HAVE to do it, because it’s my way of expression. It’s my way of keeping my balance, it’s my way of showing my inner world. I am not going to lie but neither I am going to put glitter on shit.

My inspiration was on a damn super high in 2013 – breathing in inspiration and breathing out amazing posts – however my inspiration went down under by end of 2013 and throughout 2014 nothing changed. I tried to start all over again but things got so difficult and it literally pissed me off to censor my shit, to give this damn blog a different?! name – holy shit please hit me with a chair the next time - and pretend that the source of this amazing blog came out of my ass nd was entertained by nothing that could compare to real passion. Back then in 2013 when I sat down and started to type, the letters were just flowing magically, sentence after sentence, there it was – big inspired posts from the heart. I loved to reread everyone of them from time to time and I still do now. It was simply my pure self that I laid down in this blog, emotional stripping.

However, I realized something in the past weeks as there was a change in my emotional life – it’s not just that I can feel inspiration running through my veins again, it shocked me even more (in a positive way) what triggers my inspiration!

Yeh of course it’s passion… but passion can be found in other souls… right? Well, guess that doesn’t count for me. 

Beautiful how the same passion from back then which inspired me to write is the same one to inspire me again to start all over again! Isn’t it ironic?

#29 inspired post

someone called me robogirl - and it was true. 

It was true because I didn't let my soul fully guide me, I always kept it in check with my huge overworking mind. Why? Well I found two things today. two things were given me today - the first thing was understanding. Understanding myself, why certain patterns in my head ruled over my heart. The second thing was freedom of my heart. Freedom I gave my heart & soul after understanding myself. The first thing was a gift I received. The second thing was a gift I made myself. Finally I feel in balance with everything that makes me the woman I truly am. It was a long journey but in the end it was worth every obstacle that crossed my path. The person which faces you with geniune understanding and a look right through you into the deepest part of you, is the one who captivates and frees your soul. 

#28 inspired post

If you listen... just listen in sweet silence.. then after time silence will reveal the loudest sounds. The heart speaks in a foreign language, it screams at times it whispers at times but its never silent. The mind roars with pride, the mind yells in fear, the mind stutters in insecurity. 

Learning a foreign language will be impossible if you refuse to listen carefully as you begin to understand word by word. Breathing in every sentence as your language caresses my skin, as your grammar kisses my lips, as each pronouncing enters me deeply. Hush sweet foolish mind, let it be.... hush proud mind, let yourself get devoured... hush fearful mind, obey now. Obey to the loudest and dominating presence in this moment as the foreign language becomes native inside you, while it spreads it's meaning inside you like a running river until it drips out drop by drop. Sweet lingering wishes run over the lips as two longing waves meet. Reveal all of your hidden speaking skills, let each articulation run down my skin in shivers, let each letter push me to an explosion of sentences until I forget how to speak with my lips... until I speak nothing else than pure emotions with each heartbeat. 

Intimidate my mind

intimidate my over processed mind... 

I obey to the foreign language that becomes native to me. 

In total silence

#happy new year

let me say hi with a big fat smile

2014 had a lot in store for me - had shitloads of drama - had shitloads of confusion - had shitloads of lessons learned - had shitloads of tears - had shitloads of reasons to look forward to enter 2015.

it would be damn easy to fingerpoint now but i refuse - that's part of my strive to be a better woman. i don't fuss around with problems any longer, i bring solutions and a "i can do everything fuck yeh" attitude. and it brought me pretty far by now and we only have january 31! handled a lot of administration ish, emotional ish and also personal ish in the last weeks and months. i didn't sit down and thought about resolutions, i sat down and thought "being aware of your problems is the first step, facing them is the second, embracing them is the third step as you let them go in the fourth step"

i am not going to talk shit pretty, i hit the bottom pretty hard, i got hurt in a very bad way and i struggled with myself. but and that's the most important point now, the moment i felt the dirt underneath my fingers, smelled devastation around me and looked into the eyes of resentment - i simply stood up with all my aquarius "fuck that i do whatever i want to do" attitude and walked away. 

walking away won't solve your problems, that's a fact. but if you brought so many possible solutions to the table and there is simply no way out then just choose to not make this your battle and yes, it is easy when you finally realize how precious you are and how precious your time and energy is. people walk out of your life for a reason, let them, by now 3 months went by since then and i'm happy and thankful for it. it was one of the best things that could have happened to me to be honest.

i really solved one of the most common issues people face - avoiding the look in the mirror of your soul - i did and it wasn't all that pretty. but this way i realized that this motherfucking mirror had a crack, started from the bottom and up to the top. did i fix it? nah i smashed it into billion pieces, i don't want nor do i need a broken mirror, i simply get a new one and start off clean and the way i want to. i do keep the broken pieces though, as a reminder of what i don't want to experience ever again. but what i am facing everyday now is a new one, a mirror i clean and appreciate. i keep it safe because this mirror shows my values, my believes, my goals, my fears and my motivations.

this doesn't mean i'm on my way to perfection - fuck perfection - i'm on the way to a truer me and i'm getting closer and closer each day, with each obstacle, with each mistake, with each lesson learned, with each smile, with each bit of love. i evolve and so should you. feels great. hello 2015