#18 inspired post

it's kind of coward when we curl up on the couch and drown our thoughts in silence just to not release the next shitstorm, maybe eventhough we didn't have one yet. i think of myself as someone who is able to fake a smile if it's neccessary, to keep up the mood - well that's true, but a fake smile will never reach your eyes, or at least not mine. it has a lot to do with trust actually, trust i have in myself and others. am i confident enough to believe that my "complaints" and wishes are important enough to be outspoken? am i confident enough about how others feel about me, so i don't fear rejection or misunderstanding? 

it has a sidetaste of confidence issues - how come? being popular, admired, wanted is nothing you'll find in my childhood/youth repertoire - if you whine about being an option, please fuck yourself, i wasn't even an option to anyone. i was that quirky weird girl with no style, who didn't have a flatiron and looked like a frikkin lamp with her hair, ugly glasses and all the other unpleasent stuff i got cursed with. i had friends though but talkin about dating etc i was like traffic on a lazy sunday - none existent. i experienced a lot of rejection in my life, not just from strangers but also from people i knew, that's ok though because it made me appreciate the smaller things in life. that was all i had left to focus on, so it's a blessing if you look closer.

the world belongs to the popular, pretty faces and bodies - as ugly as it sounds and i hate to say it, but there's a spark of truth in it. it's often way easier to get what you want from others when you have that little extra. so asking for things, knowing you are not one of the benefited ones, comes way harder comes with a little fear of rejection. as hilarious as it sounds, i have a hard time asking for things that bother me, especially from my boyfriend. i often have the feeling he is above my league, although i shoud have realized by now that my influence on men has dramatically changed since back then when i was 14. i know what i'm able to do if i only wanted to, i could get promoted as switzerlands next super whore if i wanted to. but i refuse because i gained a lot of confidence and on top of that selfworth, both mentally and physically.