this will be some kind of "lessons learned" - i want to say thank you to someone who taught me a lot and although i learned it very late, i learned with a big AHAAAA effect. and although you always tell me to not thank you, i truly have to - because this is a big life lesson, your patience with me wasn't for nothing, it really helped.
i was an emotional whore, impatient and too forcing - i got my receipt bashed on the table and i had to pay for it - huge ass bill, guess my credit card is overdrawn. i ordered a gourmet menu i couldn't afford.
i wanted it all and i wanted it already yesterday on my table - what i got was an expensive "lessons learned", which tastes real good with a bitter sidetaste. too much for me to bite off and i got it stuck in my throat - making me suffocate.
i've always seen my bright side of heart because i'm all about giving giving giving - but you can't refill a glass which is already full - overdrippin on the floor and if you don't watch, the glass might drop on the floor - i might catch it just before it hits but then the glass might be empty, with nothing left to drink.
i think i'm the perfect example for an emotional whore, i texted too much, too often, too emotional, too suffocating, threw myself at him like my life would depend on it. always grabbing for the last haulm lemongrass that was there, grab more and more and soon there wasn't anything left to grab. too bad
so listen to that cuz i got told something very important and i understood it way later when i got confronted with it by others, going through the same - just vice versa.
if you walk through the forest, forcing yourself and life to finally see a bunny hopping across your way
- you will never see one, don't force it and when you finally see one after you thought you'd never see one - happiness will be much bigger
if you walk through the forest and all you see are hundreds of bunnies
- it will get on your nerves and they are a reason for you to turn around,
running in the opposite direction cause it became ordinary and lame
it's like going mushrooming for yellow boletus'
when you finally find one you are so happy, pick it up and take it home
appreciating it because it's rare to find
so a friend of mine from back in the days as kids told me about her new guy and how much he was suffocating her with his attention and pressure for moving forward and there was my first AHA effect - he texts her like 10 times a day, always longer texts, always replying in an instant until she almost went crazy coconuts when her phone beeped for the 100th time - she looked at me and said: gosh that might sound mean but this man isn't a challenge at all, it drives me crazy how attached he is - too much for me, suffocating my interest.
i slightly blushed with wide opened eyes, thinking to myself "fuck jess, you did the exact same thing. of course without any bad purposes - but you suffocated your mc dreamy until he ran the other way"
my ex, this is very interesting, he still wants me back - to my surprise - we are in touch here and there, but last week he dropped the bomb: i want you back and i want you now. i told him that i enjoy time with him, talking and stuff as i'm still very used to him and of course little little feelings are there, i know him for years! but it's not enough for me to pull back yet - i told him i need time and that i can't decide in an instant - why not enjoy time together and see where it goes again? he keeps forcing and forcing, making pressure how he feels bad without me and how he can't wait any longer for me to decide, wants to know where we stand etc.
that just followed a few days after i had my convo with my girl and it hit me again - the second big ass AHA effect. I did the exact same fucked up thing with mr sheep - pushing pushing pushing him! "where do we stand, what about monogamy, i want more more and more and i want it now cuz i waited months and still i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel" everytime i forced him more and more, the more he didn't want to be with me.
in my frustration back then i told mr sheep that if i can't see any bunnies or mushrooms i'll simply walk into another forest - basta. although he always tried to show me how far patience and persistence can take you, i got so stucked up in my frustration and sadness that i broke it off the next day. i felt hurt, i felt disappointed, i felt stupid because all i did was give give give for months without receiving anything simular in return - and i wanted it sooooo bad. even when he suggested to have a cup of tea with me soon i turned it down, saying that it never happens - he tried to motivate me, to not give up "hope"for things to happen.
well, he gave me the inspiration and two other people showed me how my own behavior just worked against me back then, pulling off the same behavior. i never meant to harm him. his nerves or to suffocate him with my love - but in the end i did.
i wish i could turn back time and undo my mistakes with this man but i can't and maybe it's good that i crashed hard - this way i surely never fall back into my old habits. would be nice if mr sheep could see how much i evolved since back then - but he won't... cuz i messed up in so many areas - the only thing i can say in the end - he was the second man in my life, we broke it off three times because of my suffocating behavior and impatience - how could i've known better? it's not that common for a 23yrs old lady to not have a bunch of experience with dating men. he was the second and i stepped on new terrain with zero knowledge and i learned it the hard way. i truly wish that i learned that with someone else because not having him in my life anymore sucks and i let go even though it wasn't easy to be honest with myself that i screwed up with the wrong person.
ladies, if you let a man walk out of your life, let him do so for the right reasons - not because of your immature and stupid mistakes which result out of impatience and suffocation
thank you lemongrass
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