#28 inspired post

what is generosity? how do we express it? is generosity something we express even when we are all caught up with our own shit? is generosity something we give to another person we love eventhough we are so focused on our own lives?

it's so easy to escape from the responsibility we have for the people around us, just ignore it, just continue doing your own shit - i'm honestly getting sick and tired of it. maybe i just care less about myself, but what do i care about in the end? if i don't care about the opinion of others, if i stop caring about my own wellbeing, what is left to care about.

i'm just so disgusted by the ease of some people, just a little check up - ok she's into her own shit - let's move on. i just can't stand such behavior, and no i don't need to tell you all the time what to do. if you can't carry your own responsibility then who will carry it? i won't cuz i'm carrying my own each and every fucking day.

it just feels like drowning, too many thoughts, too many regrets, too many things i could have done but i didn't, so many things i can do better - but i refused - out of my own greed. so who am i to ask for a better treatment? what i need is a hand which pulls me up, which holds on tight eventhough it's not pretty - like a corps you pull out of the mud. but who can you ask for that kind of task?

i'm just so tired of walking alone - you can walk alone a thousand miles - but once your feet start to bleed you can't continue like this. just a little help, just an ear you can lend me and i'll pay you back. 
i just can't take it anymore although i know i have to - no one is going to do it beside me. no one is going to convince the demon to turn into an angel, no one is going to believe he'll ever change. you call me foolish cuz i believe that the demon will turn into a human again. so what i'm not afraid, i've faced him so many times - getting uglier and uglier - but still i face him to give him a chance to turn into something better.. although i'm not a mother, i think it's like the love of a mother they have for their children, no matter what happens, they keep up their faith. and so do i, eventhough 11 yrs have past by.

however you've got drown by greed and misery, i was always the one to lend you a helping hand. until you get old, gray and sick - i'll be the only one sitting next to your grave. and i have so much more to worry about, but still i have to mess with your shit cause i refuse to give up. slowly but steadily i realize where i have my persistence  from - you - we all die alone, isn't it what they say? however i was alone for so many years, i was alone when you left and i was alone after in some way - so i should be used to be alone by now right? guess my faith in humanity is still too high, even my "enemy" is more there than others. maybe the devil is testing me, testing me how far my patience will take me or better should i say how far it can take me. we'll see.

i hate you for so many reasons, but still i have faith.

the ones who can't see the pain in my eyes are the ones who won't be there till the very end - cuz a fool can fool you over and over again with their smile

#27 inspired post

fascinating though that i get along with many people but not many people get along with me, it's just in my nature to be accepting and tolerating.

i don't have high expectation towards others and i live for that "let live and let die". people might think i don't care much - and that's true. that's also the reason why many people involve themselves with drama, because they care too much, those nosey people that stick their noses into everything that comes across their path. i hate that - and i refuse to let them into my personal space because i don't care about their shit either. it's not that i don't like them it's just me handling drama of other people around me. if you ask for my advice, i'll gladly give you some. if you ask for a shoulder to cry on, i'll be there.

people might freak out about my quirky nature, whenever my mouth runs faster than my mind - well i don't really let my mouth run faster than my mind - i just speak out what i mean. it rarely happens that i say something i don't mean cuz eventhough i run fast with my words, i know exactly what i'm saying.

i come at a club with my hoodie and converse - who cares - i come at a club with hot pans and heels - who cares. i certainly don't. i write a blog about things i think about, even if i come over as rough - who cares. if you do, well then it's your problem not mine. those people around me, who really know me, know that i'm all lovable for all my weird sides. i wouldn't change that just to get along with people who can't accept the real me - why - because i don't give a fuck.

it's not about being mean or arrogant - it's about loving yourself for who you are cuz those nosey people who always complain about others and throw themselves at you without you asking them for - they don't love themselves enough like you do. just stick to being yourself and let those other bitches cry about things that aren't as important as they think.

people can run their mouths about me - i didn't give a fuck ysterday and i won't give a fuck tomorrow. of course it's not nice, but ehm well.... i just don't give a fuck. the people who are the closest know me and that's all that matters. and you should matter the most to yourself. just look into the mirror and think "fuck that, i'm fab"