what is generosity? how do we express it? is generosity something we express even when we are all caught up with our own shit? is generosity something we give to another person we love eventhough we are so focused on our own lives?
it's so easy to escape from the responsibility we have for the people around us, just ignore it, just continue doing your own shit - i'm honestly getting sick and tired of it. maybe i just care less about myself, but what do i care about in the end? if i don't care about the opinion of others, if i stop caring about my own wellbeing, what is left to care about.
i'm just so disgusted by the ease of some people, just a little check up - ok she's into her own shit - let's move on. i just can't stand such behavior, and no i don't need to tell you all the time what to do. if you can't carry your own responsibility then who will carry it? i won't cuz i'm carrying my own each and every fucking day.
it just feels like drowning, too many thoughts, too many regrets, too many things i could have done but i didn't, so many things i can do better - but i refused - out of my own greed. so who am i to ask for a better treatment? what i need is a hand which pulls me up, which holds on tight eventhough it's not pretty - like a corps you pull out of the mud. but who can you ask for that kind of task?
i'm just so tired of walking alone - you can walk alone a thousand miles - but once your feet start to bleed you can't continue like this. just a little help, just an ear you can lend me and i'll pay you back.
i just can't take it anymore although i know i have to - no one is going to do it beside me. no one is going to convince the demon to turn into an angel, no one is going to believe he'll ever change. you call me foolish cuz i believe that the demon will turn into a human again. so what i'm not afraid, i've faced him so many times - getting uglier and uglier - but still i face him to give him a chance to turn into something better.. although i'm not a mother, i think it's like the love of a mother they have for their children, no matter what happens, they keep up their faith. and so do i, eventhough 11 yrs have past by.
however you've got drown by greed and misery, i was always the one to lend you a helping hand. until you get old, gray and sick - i'll be the only one sitting next to your grave. and i have so much more to worry about, but still i have to mess with your shit cause i refuse to give up. slowly but steadily i realize where i have my persistence from - you - we all die alone, isn't it what they say? however i was alone for so many years, i was alone when you left and i was alone after in some way - so i should be used to be alone by now right? guess my faith in humanity is still too high, even my "enemy" is more there than others. maybe the devil is testing me, testing me how far my patience will take me or better should i say how far it can take me. we'll see.
i hate you for so many reasons, but still i have faith.
the ones who can't see the pain in my eyes are the ones who won't be there till the very end - cuz a fool can fool you over and over again with their smile
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